Have you recently mentioned to your friends that you are going to try an online dating site?
Are they looking at you with eyes full of pity or horror?
Why you ask?
Let’s face it, there’s still a stigma attached to telling “long time married’ people you met someone online. When the internet first was a fad, people found themselves in chat-rooms talking to strangers inventing personas and altruistic versions of themselves. Well the internet has changed and people’s intentions are different now. The goal is not just to chat. The purpose of the chatting is to open the door to a new world of potential dates.
A lot of women I know have successfully conquered that world of dating and they’ve met great guys online (me included!). Online dating allows you the freedom to be very discriminating and to filter for exactly what works for you. The fun type – the marrying type – every type in fact!
Dating sites say that over 1 out of 5 relationships start online
Diving into the world of online dating can be scary and understandably if you have no experience. The first battle is finding a legitimate dating or matchmaking website that’s up to your standards and pace, then you’re in theory all set. BUT…there is a “but.”
You need to learn the art of attracting the right guy – web style!
You can’t just show up to a fight without a weapon. You don’t want to solicit the creeps (they don’t need the help). You should focus on building a profile that will reel in YOUR type so you don’t waste time corresponding with people you’re not even remotely attracted to.
First things first, set up an awesome profile: PHOTO, BIO, Tagline – I talk about these issues in detail in one of our articles but let’s cover some of the basics right now.
Obviously, you need to pick a photo you look good in. Ideally it shows a little bit of mystery but also tells him something about you at a glance. Do you enjoy fly fishing or running triathlons? Find a cute photo of you at your element and post it. Men who like the same things you like are sure to respond to that.
Next up is your self-description or Bio. Here is where it gets a little tricky.
This part of your profile should contain a pseudo-tagline that instantly commands attention. And no, it doesn’t have to be too far out. Don’t lie about yourself and please, avoid clichés. A genuine yet witty tagline like, “Been there, done that but, hey, who’s keeping tabs?” is a funny yet non-cheesy way to say you’ve been through a lot but are still resiliently waiting for the right guy.
The key is to not try too hard and use your sense of humor – it goes a long way. Share a little part of yourself without giving everything away. No sob stories and no novels – you are not trying to send them running! Just something true but light.
Follow this tagline with a short paragraph of your ideal date/man/relationship – ie. what you are looking for. Please, no clichés like “enjoys walks on the beach” or “looking for Mr. Right”. Be specific but not demanding. Try “Sharing a cup of coffee and some great bagels does sound nice.” You can also insert your one or two hobbies just so they have a feel of your preferences.
When interests have been declared, contact has been made, you check out his info and you feel good about the guy, it’s time to shift into third gear.
Desperation is a deal-breaker. In your first response to him, don’t sound too thankful for his interest in you. He should be interested, you’re fabulous! Men can smell desperation in all forms of communication (and so should you). Keep engaged and stay interesting. Just one or two short paragraphs should suffice. Tell him a little something funny about your day. Flirt with him – maybe ask him something a bit sassy about himself too.
A meet-up after the first email is not moving too fast, don’t worry. You can set a meet-up that’s under your terms and in your comfort zone- it’s not too forward and men often respond well to not having a long email/online correspondence . My advice: it’s always best to discuss meeting-up over the phone so you actually know he’s a real person and you get a feel of how he is in a conversation. This lets you get a sense of what type of person he is so you’re sure you should take this next step.
One final tip: STAY HONEST and BE TRUE TO YOURSELF
One of the reasons why some men (and women) feel traumatized with online dating are the lies that are so easily said online. If you truly want to be successful in the online dating world, be true to who you really are so that there are no false expectations from anyone.
Don’t always assume that a guy on an online dating website is covering something up. What if he’s not? Sugar-coating your real self is just one of the many ways to deflect a good guy who, like you, is also looking for someone to have relate well to, have fun and actually make a serious connection with.
Online dating has come a long way. Try it! Keep in mind, your first connection might not be THE ONE but don’t let that deter you. 1 out of 5 people says it really works – and I am one of them!
You’ve been going out with a wonderful guy for a few weeks and he has been consistently sweet and charming. You spend almost every day together and you constantly text and call each other. You’ve gotten to know some of his friends and your girlfriends are already fond of him. You know he is into you and that he has said that at some point he wants to be with somebody in a long term committed relationship. It’s what pretty much every girl in the dating world wishes for. When you think about him, which is all the time, you can’t help but smile.
About this time, you start thinking, “I really, REALLY like this guy and I think WE can work.” You get signals that he feels the same way and he does things to reassure you that he’s not playing around. Then comes the big question—“ok, but where is this all going?” and you want to define your relationship.
Although you don’t want to be the one to ask first and spoil the connection between you there is still a fear of being played. There’s that lingering feeling of wanting to ask “What are we?”… “Maybe he’s just in it for fun and has no intention of taking things to the next level?”
You worry maybe you made this pseudo fantasy in your head and perhaps he doesn’t like you as much as you like him. If you don’t have a talk, you won’t know for sure and he could easily go date someone else since there are no set rules yet.
The next day, you sit him down, look into his eyes and blurt out all these questions, *cough*insecurities and then…CRASH!!! He bolts faster than you can say “commitment.”
This is a reality for a lot of women and not just you. When in this situation… or rather, before you get into this phase in the dating timeline, you have to learn to control your urges to ask the 3 W’s—(1) WHAT are we? (2) WHERE is this going? And, (3) WHO am I to you?
You need to understand that women see labels in a completely different light; in contrast to men’s perceptions.
We enjoy saying “my boyfriend” or “my man.” We say it with pride whenever we’re sharing anecdotes with our girlfriends.
Don’t think that men don’t like labels AT ALL. They do. And they also need that to gain some degree of structure in their lives, as well as hey, they’d want their friends to know that they’re girlfriend is the confident ‘hot mama’ coming over to their table.
The deal is, men are not afraid to put a label on things. If your guy hasn’t done so after a month of dating, it doesn’t mean that he won’t step things up. It’s not committing to you that bothers him. It’s the general concept of commitment. Most guys have what I call a “flash forward” moment when they first start dating a woman – where they get a gut feel on if this one has the potential to go long term (ie. ‘a Keeper’)
But guys want to be sure about their feelings and it takes them a lot longer to process their emotions. If they were to give up their freedom and make a major change in their lifestyle, they HAVE and NEED to be sure it’s with the right person.
This will then segue to some lessons on pacing which is crucial to getting him to the part where you actually can gracefully have “The Talk.”
No matter how much fun you both are having, you have to look at things based on his timetable. This means that you should assume moving in slooow motion. If things are really going well for the two of you, don’t worry. HE WILL NOTICE. But you ideally just have to wait for him to see it.
Enjoy the moment! Having fun and stop dwelling on the 3 Ws. Time passes by faster when you’re happy, right? Resist your urges to analyze what is going on and what it means. Just let it be, enjoy your life and pace it out.
Remember, giving ultimatums won’t hasten his pace. If you’ve just been seeing each other for a month or less, and you feel a real connection but there’s no initiative to say what you mind says needs to be said; STOP, BREATHE, and FOCUS.
Focus on how happy he makes you feel at the moment. Sure, keep an eye out for possible red flags that you should be paying attention to but focus on how much you’re having fun getting to know each other and what his values and mannerisms are.
You can’t catch a butterfly by flapping your arms and being loud, you’ll scare it off. Avoid threats. He’s sure to bolt away if you’re not smooth and collected. Act gracefully and playfully.
Timing is everything so there’s no rush when you’ve just started dating. A good man can and will make you feel reassured without having to say “I’m committed to you.” They just like taking their time, that’s all. Patience is a virtue (although I know is not my greatest strength but I also am practicing!).
My parting notes: Have faith in yourself and know that any man would be fortunate to have you in his life if you are being the best version of yourself and enjoying life. Don’t waste your time with guys who can’t make some level of commitment even after 6 months of dating. Bid him farewell and find yourself a better, more commitment-ready man if that is what you desire. Life is too short to keep waiting for something that’s not coming.
So that dashing guy you met at the bar wasn’t quite what he seemed?
Bars and clubs might be traditional places to meet men, but let’s face it, the men you meet there might not be the men you’re looking for. If you want to find men of substance, get off the barstool and get creative.
If you want to meet interesting men, you need to lead an interesting life of your own.
Here are some new ideas for meeting Mr. Right—or Mr. Right Now:
1. Get Out of Town
There’s nothing like getting away from the daily grind to make you feel alive and open to new experiences. Free poolside daiquiris don’t hurt, either. An upscale, all-inclusive vacation can be just the place to find a man who feels the same way—and looks good in shorts, too. Whether you’re looking for an island fling or something more, just make sure you’re up front about what you’re looking for.
2. Check Out Their Toys
Men love to look at cars and boats, and your local car or boat expo will be full of all three. Bring along a girlfriend as your wing-woman and head to the show. As you’re pretending to look at beautiful cars (or not!), you can also look at the men. A few intelligent questions about that Roadster he’s eyeing can easily lead to something more.
3. Museum Quality
If you’re looking for the intellectual type, museums can be a great place to meet men. Pick a museum that genuinely interests you—if you can’t get enough Rafael, grab a sketch pad and head to the art museum; if you love history, ask that cutie with the notebook if he can read the inscription on that ancient Greek vase. Connect around your intellectual interests and you might find yourself continuing a fascinating conversation over dinner.
4. Come Out for the Cause
There is no better way to meet new people in general than by putting yourself out there for a good cause through charity work or activism. And if you’re looking to meet someone who shares your background or values, religious and cultural organizations are great places to volunteer. Not only will you make new friends, but you’ll meet some incredible men of conscience. Not only will you be helping your community, you’ll also be connecting with men who are caring, compassionate, and giving.
5. Try a Sample
If you’re the sensual type, wine tastings and food events are great ways to meet men with gourmet taste. Take a cooking class, attend a chocolate tasting, or learn how to ‘homebrew’. Delicious smells and tastes heighten the senses and put everyone in a sensual mood—and who doesn’t want to meet men who can cook?
6. Play a Round at the Country Club
If you’re into sports like golf or tennis, joining your local country club is a great way to meet men. Of course, just joining won’t be enough; you’ll have to spend time there, so make sure it is a place you enjoy. Country clubs also sponsor social events for members. Whether you’re perfecting your swing or having a drink at the nineteenth hole, you’ll meet men with common interests—and you might even find a new golf partner.
7. Read the Situation
Joining a book club can be intellectually stimulating, and if you find the right club, you’ll find some great men. They might be quieter than the types you’ll meet at bars and clubs, but maybe more intelligent and sophisticated—and if you’re the bookish type, they’ll be less likely than most men to be intimidated by your intelligence. By reading, you can explore whole worlds together—and who knows where you might end up?
There are plenty of quality men out there—and wherever you go in your daily life, keep an open mind. Don’t be afraid to start a conversation. And remember, having your own fulfilling life is the best way to attract intelligent, fulfilled men!
“He’s my soulmate,” you think, “so of course he understands me. He’ll just know what I want.”
Does this sound familiar? Let me ask you a tough question — did you actually get what you really wanted that time? It’s easy to think you’re putting out all the right hints and he should read you like an open book, but you might be setting yourself up for disappointment.
Why put yourself in that position? You’ll only end up feeling rejected and misunderstood, or even having a fight.
Instead, ask for what you want. Explicitly. Say it right out loud. Don’t hint, don’t drop clues, don’t expect him to read your mind. Just tell him.
This sounds simple, but it can be really hard to do sometimes. As women we’re taught from an early age to put other people’s needs in front of our own. We try not to ask for too much or to be too demanding. We think that if we have demands and wants and we put them right out there in the open, it’ll be too much for our men.
So what do we do instead? We drop hints that they don’t pick up. We nudge and glance. We may even pout or fume. We do everything but actually tell him what we want—and then we get mad at him when he doesn’t give it to us.
Men hate that. They want things in black and white—and, even more than that, they actually want to make you happy. They’d much rather give you whatever it is you need than fight with you about why they don’t understand what you need. So why not make it easy for them?
Energy consultant Hugh, 62, describes it like this: “When I’m hungry, I’ll say, ‘I’m hungry.’ When a woman is hungry, she’ll say, ‘Is anyone hungry?’ Even if what she really means is ‘I’m hungry.’ What if no one else is hungry? Is she just going to sit there and let her stomach grumble? Just say it!”
Most of the time, we get what we ask for—no more, no less. This doesn’t mean you have to be mean and demanding. “I demand that you give me more attention!” isn’t going to go over well. Instead, try: “It’s been a busy week, and I feel like I’ve barely seen you. May we schedule some ‘us’ time?”
Working with a Matchmaker or Your Dating Coach
This is true for men, and it’s just as true for matchmakers. When you work with a matchmaker, you’re already asking for something—help in finding a romantic partner. But “I want a romantic partner” is really vague, so be specific! Spend time thinking about the qualities, characteristics and values you want in your man; write them down and ask for those specifically. Think hard. Don’t spend time on the banker when you really want the artist—or vice versa. Your matchmaker is a professional who can help you find what you really want.
Of course, sometimes it’s hard to know what you want. If you’ve spent a lot of time dating the wrong men—or if you haven’t spent much time dating at all—you might not be totally sure what turns you on. Your dating coach can help you ask the right questions to figure it out. She can also help you find a balance between your dreams and “just dreaming.” You may not find a billionaire who lives on the moon and has two Nobel prizes, but if affluence and a scientific mind are important to you, you’ve learned what to ask for.
Either way, if your dream man is a guy who lives to ski, or works with his hands, or cooks gourmet meals, or speaks Hindi, say so! How else will you get what you want? Remember, you’re a goddess – and Goddesses go for it!