Men fear this; your girlfriends may cringe; it disrupts your sleep and makes you so singularly focused that no one wants to be around you much… You are in a pressure cooker and can feel the tension. Does with every single man you meet, your mind scream at you “is he The One?”
Are you focused on finding the ONE?
The One that you are planning to create a life with and settle down with? The One who will complete you and and cherish you forever? Are you are looking to “date to mate”… even on the first date?
Please, please – breathe through this angst.
It’s important to remember that the first date is not a betrothal. You’re not out there dating to mate and find Mr. Right immediately.
If I was speaking to a guy, I would tell him not to try to win the game in one play… he would know immediately what I meant. He knows there is a whole game ahead of him and he has to play all the innings (baseball analogy). Btw YOU would hate to think he expected a “touchdown in the first down” [football analogy]… but that is what we as women do when we put ourselves under the pressure cooker of dating to mate.
No Instant Committed Relationships
Even if you are searching for Mr. Right, if you put all your eggs in one basket and don’t explore your options, you’re going to end up struggling and you’ll potentially be very unhappy. There really is no such thing as an “instant committed relationship”.
First dates are meant to be fun, entertaining and all about getting to know each other. The second, third, fourth and even fifth dates should be the same! Getting serious and down to business on the second or third date is a great way to scare him off and a great way to make yourself miserable. It means you might have to start all over again with the next guy as opposed to laying a great foundation and building a strong base of friendship, fun and respect with love and courtship to follow.
The Dance of Dating
There is a courtship or dance to dating – we start out with the Attraction (which is not a conscious choice by the way!) then move to a Bonding phase and then to the Commitment phase. Experts have researched that this is the order to which we create a great, solid, lasting, loving and respectful relationship.
Take your time in dating. Enjoy the exploration. Go in with the mindset that you are ready to get to know him and learn about who he is and what he stands for. Just because you had a great time together on your first date does not necessarily mean that you are destined to be together for the rest of your lives. DON’T start walking him down the aisle and marrying him in your mind after the second or third date.
Guys aren’t dumb – they can sense very early on where there is a deep rooted “mating need” in a woman and it makes them do crazy stupid things. Things that hurt us as women and don’t grow them as men and potential partners.
I would say that men need more space and pace on an emotional level than us women do, especially early in the dating dance. We need connection to move things along but men need time to even know what they are dealing with. I listened to a close male friend hand over a guy’s interpretation on the differences: “Women need someOne – Men need someBody” – wow! That was profound for me!
By allowing him room to breath and keeping your independence you will simply attract him more because he won’t be concerned about you smothering him. If you’re after exclusivity after the second or third date he’s going to get scared and probably think you’re a little crazy. (Read my article on “The Talk’).
By making the effort and taking the time to get to know him you are going to benefit in more ways than one. First of all, you’ll be able to make a truly informed decision as to whether or not he’s the right man for you. Second, you won’t get so wrapped up in one man early on that you’re heartbroken when it doesn’t work out after the fourth or fifth date – even by the tenth date!
By keeping your options open as you date and your life in harmony, you won’t be so attached to one man and needing that relationship to work out for you (I kinda call this ‘defensive dating”). You’ll be able to take the time to learn if he’s even worth crying over – ever.
Relax. Enjoy. Live. Learn.
If you commit yourself early on to the next man you meet aren’t you going to always wonder who else you might have met?