Avoid Driving Your Friends Away

Girlfriends – we rely on them for everything. We want them to be there for us in the good times to share how awesome he is and also in the bad when he has broken our hearts.

But have you ever been driven a bit crazy by a girlfriend who can’t stop complaining about her man or if she’s hit a bad patch and thinks dating sucks? Have you heard yourself do the same thing?

Friends can be great sounding boards and we naturally turn to them when we feel the need to vent.  But how often do we consider how it might affect your relationship when all you do is complain?

Friends & Family
Your friends are there to be your support system.  They are there to hold your hand when you need comforting and they are there to laugh and play with as well.  It’s important to find the balance so that when you’re dating men, they don’t just hear the bad stuff.

No matter where you are in the dating journey there are bound to be some ups and downs  on the learning curve of what I actually call the dance of dating.

By only turning to your friends and loved ones for support you might end up alienating them as you embark on this journey of learning about men.  Stressing out your support group will not help you and you may even end up losing friends in the process.

Permission Asked (and Granted)
Your friends have lives too; and they have things they need support with as well.  Although it seems natural to turn to them to complain it can show a lack of maturity and caring.   If your friend or loved one has had a bad day she’s not going to want to hear you bitch about your man or at least not until she is in a time and place that doesn’t stress her out.

As a minimum, to keep the friendship healthy and harmonious –  if you feel you need to speak to a friend ask for permission to vent.  And wait for their answer. All too often we just launch into a  breathless “ do you know what he did last night on our date….”  vent either by phone (or by text) with no communication on if it is is appropriate and they have time to listen to us.

You need to develop good friendship behavior.  
Don’t call your friends at work to complain. Don’t call them if they are driving nor if they have kids screaming all around them. The permission thing is huge but so is picking a good time and place.

Here’s some more advice that I give out when I have clients that have strained their relationships as they learn the ropes of fun in dating:

• Consider writing in a journal when you need to vent;
• Choose to get some exercise – go to the gym, walk your dog – blow off some steam;
• Pick up other hobbies, don’t just focus solely on your men or your dating life;
• Try dating multiple men so that you are keeping your dance card open with plenty of options and not getting overly emotionally attached to one person;
• Don’t divulge too much detailed, confidential information about your man (or men). Until your friends have actually met him you don’t need them to pre-judge every little thing he does;
• If your ARE getting serious about a guy, let him meet your friends.  Allow them to get to know him on a personal level so that if and when you do need support they can come from a point of view that involves him and how they know him.  This will prevent general man-bashing sessions and they will have perspective on his point of view as well;
• On the flip side, if you don’t choose to get serious with your men, don’t drag them all out to meet your family or friends. Your friends  will never keep up and will feel awkward with the parade of men presented to them.
• Even after your loved ones or friends have met him, still don’t divulge too much personal information about your guy – it is horrendous and potentially stressful to the relationship to have your friends inadvertently letting him know just how much everyone else knows about the gritty details of  his life. Men like to open up at their own pace.

Lastly,

• Get a dating coach or mentor. This is someone who will help support and guide you through the ins and outs and help you make informed choices about dating and what works for you.

Your friends always want to be there to support you, but remember that they need support too. If you stop having fun with your friends you’ll find you don’t have any friends left after a while.

So keep the fun in all of your relationships!