From the outside looking in, one of my favorite clients, we’ll call her Maggie, had it all, including a husband who adored her. However, from the inside of her marriage and her heart, it didn’t look that way to her. Maggie felt like something was missing in her marriage, and her life.
She felt like her husband didn’t look at her the way he used to.The passion was long gone.Where he’d once made her feel like the center of his universe and the most desirable woman on the planet, now, he simply loved her deeply, and that wasn’t enough.
In the absence of the “Goddess Worship”, (her words, not mine), she felt less attractive, and less alive. Maggie needed something. She needed a fix. She wanted to feel desired. So, she started looking for that fix elsewhere. A fix isn’t that hard to find. Not too surprisingly, she had a fling. That fling left her feeling worse about herself than before.
So, she kept looking, elsewhere, everywhere, out there.
Immediately after the affair Maggie recommitted to her marriage and decided to take up golf. She swore she’d never cheat again, but she did, with a golf pro. Sex isn’t hard to find. Any man can worship you for a few hours or a few days, but none of them can plug the hole in your soul. She needed the validation. She wanted a man to adore her in a way that would stop the internal bleeding. So, six months later she asked for a formal separation.
Maggie left the man who loved her deeply, in search of something else, something more. Unfortunately she wasn’t looking for herself. She continued to look for someone to make her feel desired and adored. Someone who could help her feel beautiful again.
She knew he had to be out there.
I’d like to say this story has a happy ending. I’d love to move the narrative to the place where Maggie realized no one outside of herself could make her feel beautiful or worthy. However, I can’t because the story is still unfolding. Maggie hasn’t found herself or a Prince Charming to rescue and define her. Not yet anyway.
When a woman is dependent on a man to define her worth, she is alway profoundly vulnerable, and yet, a lot of women do it. Outsourcing self-esteem is dangerous business. Validation becomes a drug. You can’t get enough and you can’t ever find a dealer reliable enough to sustain yourself. Before you know it you’re prostituting yourself on many levels to get your next hit. There’s never enough of anything that comes from outside.
I know this from personal experience.
I spent more than a decade of my life dating for self worth. I dated unemployed losers that confirmed my suspicions I couldn’t do any better. I dated dismissive millionaires that confirmed my suspicions I wasn’t good enough. I dated tall men, short men, idiots, smart men, average joes, and cover worthy professional athletes. None of them made me feel loved, because I didn’t love myself.
But how, you might ask, do you love yourself enough to stop the bleeding, let alone thrive, when you don’t really even like yourself?
You start behaving like a person who does. You start making decisions about your life, like a person who matters would make. You start treating yourself the way you want someone else to treat you. You put yourself first, fill your own cup, and demonstrating your worth, first and foremost to yourself. For lack of a better way of putting it, you fake it till you make it.
Trust me, if you behave like a person who genuinely loves herself long enough, the feelings will follow. They have to.
A woman is never safe in the world until she finds herself and learns to love the woman she finds. A lot of the time that seems like a very lonely quest. It’s a solitary pursuit, however it’s the only quest worth taking.
Here at How To Put The Fun Back Into Dating, we don’t recommend for anyone to commit a crimes…but there is one mild criminal act that most people do commit at their own risk of indecent exposure, and that’s sex in public.
A lot of people would agree, sex is public is incredible and the risk of getting caught adds to the excitement. But there is a right way to do it, and a wrong way. If you and your partner are willing to take a walk on the wildside, here are few quick tips you should follow:
1. Make Sure You’re Alone: Be very aware of your surroundings. Make sure there’s nobody watching you and there are no children around. By not being careful is a quick way to getting caught.
2. Watch Your Noise Level: Sometimes, sex can be so great you’ll want to make a sound or two. But being too loud and careless about the level of noise you make, makes it easy for you to be noticed by others.
3. Clean Up After Yourselves: This is the golden rule. If you’re going to get busy someplace, the least you can do is be courteous to the people who may stumble upon your love nest after you’ve left. Don’t leave the area with less that you came with, it’s just gross if you don’t.
Now that you know the three simple steps in how to have safe public sex and you’re still thinking of taking that risk, you ask yourself, “where?” Here are a few places Fox News* and The Stir** had in mind and the risk level you could be taking from 1 to 5:
Night Club/Concert (3): Music is just one of those things that get you in the mood without even trying. If the thump of the beat or lyrics to the song get you, sneaking away to a bathroom or a secluded nook in the building is a good spot to get it on. This place is rated 3 as a hit or miss in risk, but with the loud music on your side you shouldn’t have to worry much.
Park Bench (4): Sitting on a bench at the park with your partner can be a romantic moment. But getting your groove on, on that bench is another story! Make sure the park is empty or very close to empty. This place is rated a 4 for the fact of joggers, children, and police roaming the grounds.
The Backyard (1): If you have a backyard with or without a fence, this may be a good spot to start your public sex escapades. Having a fence, you’re at an advantage of no one seeing you, but if you don’t have a fence The Stir suggests pitching a tent. Since you’re not at a great risk of fully exposing yourself, this is rated a 1.
Parked Car (2): Having sex in a parked car can bring a bit of nostalgia back in your life. As long as you’re parked in a secluded area and have a big enough vehicle to satisfy each other, there’s nothing really stopping you. Just be wary of police looking out for fogged windows, and with that mild risk it’s rated a 2.
Elevator (5): Having some fun in an empty elevator is super tricky, but super hot! Each level you go up is another risk of the doors opening and you getting caught, not to mention the possibility of the security camera. If you can get away with this, you deserve a medal, that’s why it’s rated a 5.
Public Transportation (5): Getting your kicks on public transportation is some of the hardest and most at risk places to have sex. This includes buses, and yes the infamous mile high club! With public trans, there are always cameras, there are always attendants, and there are always nosy people; not to mention the cramped spaces. Sex here can run the risk of you getting kicked off, and derailing your travel plans, so if you get away with it I applaud you! This is why it’s rated at a 5.
Having sex in a public setting is not for the shy or faint hearted. When you do decide to take your love life up that ladder, make sure it’s something that you really want to do. Don’t let your partner pressure you into it, and have fun!
*“FOXSexpert: The 20 Riskiest Places to Have Sex” Fox News. Com accessed 2/6/2014. http ://www.foxnews. com/story/2009/02/12/foxsexpert-20-riskiest-places-to-have-sex/** “25 Mind-Blowing Sex Spots You Never Thought to Try” Jamye Waxman, The Stir accessed 2/6/2014. htt p://thestir. cafemom. com/love_sex/121952/25_Mind_Blowing_Sex_Spots
You may be under the impression you need to leave the house to have a great date night, however there are a number of fun ways to enjoy your man and your time together at home!
Sometimes life gets busy, but that doesn’t mean you should neglect alone time with your man where you can keep the excitement alive within the relationship by indulging in frequent date nights.
Now is a better time than ever to get creative with your date ideas and bring date night to the comfort of your own home. Here are the top 15 date ideas as presented by the website Happy Housewives.
1. Iron Chef at home edition.
Cooking together can be a fun way to keep the connection alive between you and your man. The experts at Happy Housewives suggest putting a twist on it and make chocolate the main ingredient in all the meals!. Not only is chocolate supposed to have an aphrodisiac effect on people, it also is an incredibly tasty ingredient to include in your cooking. Happy Housewives proposes “you either make a meal together or divide up the courses between each of you and surprise the other with your sweet & savory creations.”
2. Trivia night with a naked twist.
Indulge yourself and your honey in a little game of strip trivia. Ask each other questions that will require you to dispose of an item of clothing with every wrong answer. Stripping adds an element of excitement to the game and could be a precursor to what’s to come later on in the night. Perhaps you won’t even be able to get through the game as you tease your partner, he may just jump your bones sooner!
3. Have a theme night.
Come up with a theme for the night and centre everything you do around it. For instance, you could have a Mexican night, make guacamole and chips followed by tacos and dancing to traditional music. It doesn’t matter what you pick, but playing along will create a bit of fun for both of you. You could even incorporate dressing up as a way to spice things up in the bedroom for dessert!
4.Parisian nights at home.
Emulate the French with a night in making crepes with your sweetie and drawing caricatures of each other. Not only will you get to indulge in delicious crepes when you’re done but it’s also a fun and creative way of enjoying each others company indoors!
5. Dress up and stay in.
Who says you need an occasion to dress up? Put on one of your nicest outfits and have him don a suit as you light candles and have a nice dinner party for two at home. Once the right ambiance is created it, you and your partner will get lost in the romance of a fancy night in.
6. Role play movie characters.
Dress up as a character out of your favorite movie and stay true to the part all night. It will be a fun and creative way to play dress up and potentially segway into a little roleplay in the bedroom after!
7. Take a dream date survey.
Create a survey that both of you can take to come up with what your idea of a dream date would be. Hand over the surveys to each other when you’re done and see how much of both you can recreate in the comfort of your own home. Time to get creative!
8. Create a love nest in your bedroom.
Buy a canopy to hang over your bead, light up some candles, throw some rose petals on the bed, and play some romantic music. It will feel like a romantic getaway in a hotel, as opposed to a set up in your room. Vacation sex can be very fun so why not pretend for the night that you’re away somewhere exotic. Bring out each other’s wild side!
9. Karaoke night.
Youtube some classics and belt out some tunes to one another! Perhaps your voice isn’t the greatest? Fortunately, this isn’t a competition for who’s the best singer but rather a fun way for you and your partner to get playful and serenade each other.
10. Plan a vacation.
Spend the night browsing through travel brochures and websites and plan your next vacation! Even if you won’t be able to get a way in the foreseeable future, it’s still encouraging to plan an exciting vacation to look forward to!
11. Video tape the story of how you met.
One day you may have kids or maybe it will be years down the road and you will love to remember how it is that you first met and fell in love. Sit down with your partner and record yourselves as you remember the story of how you met and fell in love from both of your perspectives.
12. Create an at-home wine bar.
Pick up a couple of bottles of wine, and some snacks for a charcuterie board as you lay it all out and play your favorite tunes. It will feel like a night out but instead of worrying about how your getting home, you already will be there!
13. Have a spa date.
What better way to spend a night in then set up an at-home massage parlor and treat each other to some luxury. Take turns rubbing one another down with essential oils as you play some spa music in the background to really set the mood. Finish the night off by jumping into the tub together and keep the romance going.
14. Play the Newlyweds game.
Search online for questions you can ask one another as you see how well you truly know each other! It’s a fun way to rediscover one another and remind each other of what traits you fell in love with in the first place.
15. Have a movie marathon.
Create the illusion of a theatre in your own home by getting lots of popcorn and playing a number of your favorite movies back to back. Better yet if its summertime, invest in a projector and set it up in your backyard. There is something incredibly fun and romantic about watching movies under the stars.
Having a date night at home means that you can have just as much fun without worrying about spending too much time or money. There are plenty of opportunities to enjoy each others’ company even if you can’t find the time to get outdoors. Most importantly appreciate your partner and the time you get to spend together, and you’re bound to have a great time no matter where you are.
“Top 20 Stay-At-Home Date Night Ideas” Fawn Weaver. Happy Wives Club.com. accessed February 2, 2014. http ://www.happywivesclub. com/top-20-stay-at-home-date-night-ideas/
At times your relationship can reach a stagnant point where it is time to figure out what’s working and what’s not. It is at this time that you find yourself making excuses for the things in the relationship that aren’t making you happy, you hope that he changes so that things will get better, and the little things that you never noticed before begin to bother you.
As with most failing relationships there is generally always a point at which the relationship really should have ended and then there’s the point at which we actually end it. Sometimes it is challenging to decipher if the relationship can actually be fixed or if you really are with the wrong person and the only way to fix the situation is to leave it.
Women and men can fall in love with multiple people throughout their lives, but that does not mean that every single one of them is right for you. Some partners will be better than others and yet you were probably in love with all of them at some point. This is why things can get quite complicated when deciding whether to stay in a relationship or not. We’re wired to think that love is the key to a healthy and happy relationship and although there is truth in that, there are an abundant amount of other elements that are also crucial to a successful relationship.
Often when we are at this crossroads in a relationship, it does seem easier at the time to just drag it out until both you and your partner are completely ruined and then end it. However, it’s actually much more beneficial to cut all ties when you realize that you don’t want this person by your side next week, let alone in the next fifty years.
Huffington Post contributor Tamara Shayne Kagel, offers the ten signs that indicate when it is time to leave a relationship in the past and move forward.
1. There is no trust between the two of you.Trust is one of the most fundamental elements of a relationship and without it you will drive both yourself and your partner crazy. Tamara stresses that being in a relationship shouldn’t be about rebuilding the trust, but rather enjoying a partnership where trust is already an established part of it from the beginning.
Trust is the foundation upon which you should build a relationship, so if you’re struggling to trust your man because of past indiscretions or because he fuels your insecurities than you need to move on. Tamara suggests finding a new partner with whom you won’t have to build a relationship on a broken foundation. A relationship with no trust is destructive to your emotional and mental health, so as hard as it may be to move on, when you finally do you won’t be torturing yourself any longer.
2. You’re tempted to peruse through his things. If examining his phone and social media becomes a prevalent part of the relationship than this relationship is no longer a healthy place for you to be. Once you begin to feel the need to determine if he is up to no good, the relationship is nearing its expiration date.
Tamara says that instead of blaming yourself and your insecurities for snooping, you have to realize that it’s not you, it’s the relationship. When you catch yourself snooping, it is time to start thinking about ending it as quickly as possible and finding a partner who you do trust.
3. You don’t want to live in the same place. If you and your partner can not agree on a place to live then it is only fair to part ways so that both of you can seek complete fulfillment in life.Tamara believes that “if you can’t both be happy in one location together, you do not have a happy relationship because by definition, one of you will always be in a place that you don’t want to be in.” If you find yourself thinking that the relationship is great but you really think it would be better if you lived elsewhere, then it could be time to reevaluate what is truly important to you. If where you live has the ability to impact your happiness, eventually you could start to harbor resentment towards your partner, which can then end in heartbreak.
4. Your relationship makes you cry a lot. If you’re constantly making excuses for crying about his actions and yet think you’re in a great relationship, unfortunately you’re not. Crying about your man is definitely not a healthy part of a relationship and is more than a definite sign that it is time to call it quits.
You may begin to think that the reason for your tears is something that can be fixed, such as spending more time together or having him understand you better, however you may just not be right for each other. Don’t make excuses for him or yourself that you’re just extra sensitive because of tough times because tough times will always exist. Chances are you are just not right for each other and it isn’t him that is making you cry it is the relationship as whole.
5. You want him to have a different job.Tamara says “if your happiness is contingent upon his job changing, accept that you are not in a happy relationship.” If you find yourself thinking, “when he stops being a musician and gets a “real” job then this relationship will be perfect,” than you are not in a happy relationship. He may never give up the career that you aren’t behind 100 percent, so if that is the case then you would be doing both of your futures a favor to part ways.
6. You want him to be more considerate. If your happiness is dependent upon him changing and he hasn’t done it yet, then he probably won’t ever do it. Spare yourself the torture and struggle in trying to change a man that is already set in his ways. If you wish he were more thoughtful on special occasions then chances are you really are selling yourself short. Tamara stresses that if, “you’re hoping for something special because you feel ignored and under-appreciated all year. Find a guy who is thoughtful the entire year and you’ll stop wasting all your energy hoping against hope that he’ll finally prove how much he does care about you.”
7. You want him to change. If he isn’t the man you want him to be yet, he probably won’t be changing anytime soon, if ever. If there are facets of his personality that bother your and even if he says he will be able to change, sometimes it is better to face the facts that you are not made for each other. There are plenty of men out there that will be able to meet your requirements from the beginning, you just need to give yourself an opportunity to meet them. Tamara believes, “If you’re saying things are good except I need him to be different, things are not good. It’s not meant to be.”
8.You want to be more of a priority. Being a part of a solid union gives both you and your partner the right to be the most important thing in each other’s life. Sure you both have careers, hobbies, friends, and family outside of each other but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t realize how important you are to each others lives. Tamara stresses, that if your partner struggles in making you feel like a priority than it is ok to walk away and expect that treatment from someone else in the future.
9. You wish his interests were more similar to yours. Yes opposites do attract, and yes it is possible to fall in love with someone different to you, that does not mean that the relationship will be sustainable. As a couple you should be able to do things together and genuinely enjoy them. You and your partner should be friends as much as you are lovers, if not more. Tamara points out “ research suggests that similarities are what make for a good relationship that can withstand the test of time.”
10. You’re in the relationship for the perks.You don’t necessarily trust him and he doesn’t really make you happy most of the time, but you’re comfortable and used to him so you don’t leave. This is probably one of the biggest reasons that it is time to get out as soon as you can and move on with your life. The minute you rid yourself of this toxic relationship the better off you will be. Put both you and your partner out of misery and end it. You will both be so happy once you finally do.
“For the Love of God, Just Break Up with Him Already,” Tamara Shayne Kagel. Huff Post: Women. Accessed February 1, 2014. htt p://www.huffingtonpost. com/tamara-shayne-kagel/relationship-advice_b_1603032.html