You’ve been going out with a wonderful guy for a few weeks and he has been consistently sweet and charming. You spend almost every day together and you constantly text and call each other. You’ve gotten to know some of his friends and your girlfriends are already fond of him. You know he is into you and that he has said that at some point he wants to be with somebody in a long term committed relationship. It’s what pretty much every girl in the dating world wishes for. When you think about him, which is all the time, you can’t help but smile.

About this time, you start thinking, “I really, REALLY like this guy and I think WE can work.” You get signals that he feels the same way and he does things to reassure you that he’s not playing around. Then comes the big question—“ok, but where is this all going?” and you want to define your relationship.

 Although you don’t want to be the one to ask first and spoil the connection between you there is still a fear of being played. There’s that lingering feeling of wanting to ask “What are we?”… “Maybe he’s just in it for fun and has no intention of taking things to the next level?”

 You worry maybe you made this pseudo fantasy in your head and perhaps he doesn’t like you as much as you like him. If you don’t have a talk, you won’t know for sure and he could easily go date someone else since there are no set rules yet.

The next day, you sit him down, look into his eyes and blurt out all these questions, *cough*insecurities and then…CRASH!!! He bolts faster than you can say “commitment.”

This is a reality for a lot of women and not just you. When in this situation… or rather, before you get into this phase in the dating timeline, you have to learn to control your urges to ask the 3 W’s—(1) WHAT are we? (2) WHERE is this going? And, (3) WHO am I to you?

You need to understand that women see labels in a completely different light; in contrast to men’s perceptions.

We enjoy saying “my boyfriend” or “my man.” We say it with pride whenever we’re sharing anecdotes with our girlfriends.

Don’t think that men don’t like labels AT ALL. They do. And they also need that to gain some degree of structure in their lives, as well as  hey, they’d want their friends to know that they’re girlfriend is the confident ‘hot mama’ coming over to their table.

The deal is, men are not afraid to put a label on things.  If your guy hasn’t done so after a month of dating, it doesn’t mean that he won’t step things up. It’s not committing to you that bothers him. It’s the general concept of commitment. Most guys have what I call a “flash forward” moment when they first start dating a woman – where they get a gut feel on if this one has the potential to go long term (ie. ‘a Keeper’)

But guys want to be sure about their feelings and it takes them a lot longer to process their emotions. If they were to give up their freedom and make a major change in their lifestyle, they HAVE and NEED to be sure it’s with the right person.

This will then segue to some lessons on pacing which is crucial to getting him to the part where you actually can gracefully have “The Talk.”

No matter how much fun you both are having, you have to look at things based on his timetable. This means that you should assume moving in slooow motion. If things are really going well for the two of you, don’t worry. HE WILL NOTICE. But you ideally just have to wait for him to see it.

Enjoy the moment!  Having fun and stop dwelling on the 3 Ws. Time passes by faster when you’re happy, right? Resist your urges to analyze what is going on and what it means. Just let it be, enjoy your life and pace it out.

Remember, giving ultimatums won’t hasten his pace. If you’ve just been seeing each other for a month or less, and you feel a real connection but there’s no initiative to say what you mind says needs to be said; STOP, BREATHE, and FOCUS.

Focus on how happy he makes you feel at the moment. Sure, keep an eye out for possible red flags that you should be paying attention to but focus on how much you’re having fun getting to know each other and what his values and mannerisms are.

You can’t catch a butterfly by flapping your arms and being loud, you’ll scare it off. Avoid threats. He’s sure to bolt away if you’re not smooth and collected. Act gracefully and playfully.

Timing is everything so there’s no rush when you’ve just started dating. A good man can and will make you feel reassured without having to say “I’m committed to you.” They just like taking their time, that’s all. Patience is a virtue (although I know is not my greatest strength but I also am practicing!).

My parting notes: Have faith in yourself and know that any man would be fortunate to have you in his life if you are being the best version of yourself and enjoying life. Don’t waste your time with guys who can’t make some level of commitment even after 6 months of dating. Bid him farewell and find yourself a better, more commitment-ready man if that is what you desire. Life is too short to keep waiting for something that’s not coming.

“He’s my soulmate,” you think, “so of course he understands me.  He’ll just know what I want.”

Does this sound familiar?  Let me ask you a tough question — did you actually get what you really wanted that time?  It’s easy to think you’re putting out all the right hints and he should read you like an open book, but you might be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Why put yourself in that position?  You’ll only end up feeling rejected and misunderstood, or even having a fight.

Instead, ask for what you want.  Explicitly.  Say it right out loud.  Don’t hint, don’t drop clues, don’t expect him to read your mind.  Just tell him.

This sounds simple, but it can be really hard to do sometimes.  As women we’re taught from an early age to put other people’s needs in front of our own.  We try not to ask for too much or to be too demanding.  We think that if we have demands and wants and we put them right out there in the open, it’ll be too much for our men.

So what do we do instead?  We drop hints that they don’t pick up.  We nudge and glance.  We may even pout or fume. We do everything but actually tell him what we want—and then we get mad at him when he doesn’t give it to us.

Men hate that.  They want things in black and white—and, even more than that, they actually want to make you happy.  They’d much rather give you whatever it is you need than fight with you about why they don’t understand what you need.  So why not make it easy for them?

Energy consultant Hugh, 62, describes it like this: “When I’m hungry, I’ll say, ‘I’m hungry.’ When a woman is hungry, she’ll say, ‘Is anyone hungry?’ Even if what she really means is ‘I’m hungry.’ What if no one else is hungry? Is she just going to sit there and let her stomach grumble? Just say it!”

Most of the time, we get what we ask for—no more, no less.  This doesn’t mean you have to be mean and demanding.  “I demand that you give me more attention!” isn’t going to go over well.  Instead, try: “It’s been a busy week, and I feel like I’ve barely seen you.  May we schedule some ‘us’ time?”

Working with a Matchmaker or Your Dating Coach

This is true for men, and it’s just as true for matchmakers.  When you work with a matchmaker, you’re already asking for something—help in finding a romantic partner.  But “I want a romantic partner” is really vague, so be specific!  Spend time thinking about the qualities, characteristics and values you want in your man; write them down and ask for those specifically. Think hard. Don’t spend time on the banker when you really want the artist—or vice versa. Your matchmaker is a professional who can help you find what you really want.

Of course, sometimes it’s hard to know what you want. If you’ve spent a lot of time dating the wrong men—or if you haven’t spent much time dating at all—you might not be totally sure what turns you on.  Your dating coach can help you ask the right questions to figure it out. She can also help you find a balance between your dreams and “just dreaming.” You may not find a billionaire who lives on the moon and has two Nobel prizes, but if affluence and a scientific mind are important to you, you’ve learned what to ask for.

Either way, if your dream man is a guy who lives to ski, or works with his hands, or cooks gourmet meals, or speaks Hindi, say so!  How else will you get what you want?  Remember, you’re a goddess – and Goddesses go for it!

You’ve been wined, you’ve been dined…you’ve both chatted up a storm and flirted all through dinner.
He’s says he’s had a great time and wants to see you again.
You kiss; he says he’ll call; but then …nothing!
Confusion and self doubt follow and the dating world spins off kilter while you go over everything mentally in your mind.

It’s painful and confusing when it looks like the date has going phenomenally and well, then …NOTHING! No explanation, no reason you can think of no matter how much you wrack your memory.

But getting that first date is only a fraction of the challenge. Leading him to ask you for a second one, a third one, and so on is the higher level of dating skill you must possess to successfully dance in the dating game.

So how do you keep him interested after the first date?

I would say that my first answer is simple. Keep him guessing..

Mystery is the fuel for a successful courting period. Nobody would buy something if it’s already being given for free. Metaphorically speaking: show him a great movie trailer that’s going to entice him to mark his calendar and want to see the whole movie with utter excitement and attention.

Your level of mystery lies in what you do during your first date:

On your first date, KEEP THE EX-FILES HIDDEN.
Sure, it’s understandable that you still have a few hang-ups from your last relationship but a first date is no place for those types of sob stories. Nothing drives a man away like a woman going  on and on about their past boyfriend(s). It screams “I AM EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILBLE!” to a man so don’t get your hopes up for a second date. He wants the date to be fun and about you and him.

Here’s another scenario:

You’re nervous because it’s your first date so you think, “I shouldn’t look too desperate”. You put on something casual and decide not to bother washing your hair or make an effort to look your best. Men are visual – always – and especially when they are seeing a woman for the first time.

There’s nothing wrong with keeping things simple.. You don’t have to buy a new dress or go to the salon to get your hair done but,  put in the effort to look your best and as beautiful as possible. If it’s just a casual date at the park or in a coffee shop, you still want to look your best for the situation.  Even if you have pulled a 12 hour shift at work – take the time to freshen up and more importantly show up emotionally. Often it is not our physical appearance that doesn’t make the grade but our attention and energy doesn’t spark things off to a great start.

Nothing turns on a man like a woman who knows what she wants and has some sass and confidence in herself. But sad to say on your first date, I am going to suggest you tone down the “boss-lady” talk. You’re probably not going to impress him with a long dissertation on your work skills or your plans to overhaul the country’s health care system. You’re both there to enjoy yourselves. Seduce his interests -not raise a heated political debate where both feel like they have been through the wringer. If you want to show him that you are your own woman, opt for better options like talking about the stuff you’re passionate about like traveling, sports or cooking. No  weird stuff (and please, no major sexual innuendos unless you want to set it up as casual ‘no strings attached’ relationship!)

Another tip to avoid missing the “second date bus” is: make the night about him too.

Reciprocation is as important to guys as it is for us. Making him feel interesting makes him feel even more interested in you. Both sexes have egos – and trust me, egos come out to play big time in the initial date (Everyone can be nervous). Compliment him on his looks or his work. Ask about his interests and his sporting conquests.  Engage him and help steer the conversation to what keeps it interesting.

Since men are often bad at interpreting body language, listening to him and engaging him tells him that you’re interested in him. This encourages him and assures him he won’t get rejected if he asks for a second date.

The last skill to perfect to get a second date is your exit strategy.

You’ve got options. Now, a handshake can be the most preferred way to say goodbye after a first date if you are not overwhelmed with the desire to see him again (as it is quite formal). If you want to take it slowly but do want to see him again soon, the trick to pulling this off  is to establish a bit of flirtatious eye contact as you offer a soft, feminine handshake (maybe with both hands cupping his). Flash your sweetest smile and tell him how much fun you had.

A friendly hug is even more personal. You are getting more into his personal space which is more intimate.

This could lead to a kiss. If the moment calls for it and you are feeling some magic, then by all means, kiss him.  I could write a whole topic on the first kiss and promise I will!

Either way, when you have a sense of your exit strategy you have more control over how you’ll end the night—be it a warm handshake or a breath-taking first kiss. Then the fun can continue into date #2…

What Makes Men Tick?

Haven’t you always wondered what he’s looking for when he looks at you?  Do you ever see women—maybe even women who don’t seem that exciting or good-looking at first glance—with incredible men falling all over them? What excites him, entrances him, and makes him feel safe enough to fall head over heels for you?

Of course, men are all different.  But there are definitely some universal factors that just have to be there—and if they’re not, he’ll focus his attention elsewhere. If you’re going to have fun playing the dating game, you need to understand how men’s minds work.  Once you’ve got these five factors under control, you’ll be in charge!

1) Chemistry

This is the one factor you really can’t control.  He’s either attracted to you or he’s not.  And this isn’t just about looks—sometimes two people just click.  Attraction is not a choice.

If that chemistry is there, then move right on down the list to the next four factors.  If the chemistry’s not there, though—and this is the hard part—there’s nothing you can do about it.  You can bend over backwards and do everything for him, do things no other woman would do, and he still won’t be interested.  If it’s not there—move on. Don’t try to force it.  You deserve someone who wants you!

2) Playfulness

You want to have fun playing the dating game?  So does he!  Relax and have fun.  Be playful.  If this comes naturally to you, great.  If you tend to get nervous on dates, though, you’ll need to work on it.  Take deep breaths or do some yoga before your date.  Bolster your confidence, then walk in like you own the place, smile, and remember that you’re here to have a good time!  If you project fun and lightness, he’ll pick up on that and have a great time with you—and that’s the easiest way to make sure he wants more.  Remind yourself  to keep being playful throughout the dating process not just in the early days.   Dating really is the fun part!

3) Emotional Stability

No one wants to get involved with a crazy person.  It’s important to get yourself to a place of good emotional stability before ever getting involved in a relationship.  You need to understand yourself and love yourself so that you can make decisions based on logic rather than emotion.

Remember that your date is not your therapist.  Don’t cry, yell, or tell him about your traumatic childhood—none of that is appropriate with someone you’ve just met.  He’s going to see your baggage and head for the exits—so make sure you take care of yourself and keep things light at first.  Save it for your real therapist, and if you’re dealing with some difficult issues, make sure that you’re ready to get involved in a relationship before you start dating.

4)  Positive Attitude

This one goes along with the last two. Men enjoy women who are positive and upbeat. If you’re constantly negative, complaining, and worrying, he won’t enjoy being around you.  (Who would?) Practice making the best of things. What if you go on a movie date and the movie is terrible?  Whining about it, walking out, and demanding your money back is a sure way to end the date quickly. Men really try to make us happy for the most part.  Why not let him remember you as the devastatingly witty woman who sat in the back row with him quietly trading killer comments about Edward Pattinson’s acting skills?

The same goes for your attitude about him. You may think he’s playing games when he doesn’t call you back for a day and a half, but it’s not a wise move to leave him twenty voicemails during that period.  If he’s interested in you, he’ll call—and if you have a positive healthy attitude, you’ll be out there living your own life instead of obsessing about him.

Women love to scrutinize every little detail of our interactions with men, looking for hidden meaning—we learn to do it when we’re passing notes in junior high, and we never really stop.  But the truth is, not everything a man does has meaning.  He didn’t call you back for a day?  Maybe he’s just genuinely having a busy day.  Reading into every little thing will drive you crazy – and him!  Have a positive attitude, pay attention to your radar but assume the best of him—he’ll love you for it and give you his best in return.

5)  Explicit Communication

I’m going to be clear and direct about this: be clear and direct with him.  He does NOT understand your subtle little hints. In fact, he isn’t even aware that you’re giving him hints.  Men don’t look at relationships like they’re mysteries to be solved.  Your man assumes that if you want him to know something, you’ll tell him.  (Because that is how he wants to communicate.) And if you think about it—that’s really not an unreasonable thing to ask for.

Make sure that if you want something from him, you are telling him explicitly.  Don’t get angry with him for not understanding your hints—that will only frustrate him. Just tell him what you want—believe me, he’ll be relieved that you told him in a light and unemotional manner (dare I say playfully??) and happy to know what’s on your mind.  Remember, he’s not a game—he’s a person. Help him make you happy!

 You’ve probably noticed that a lot of these factors have to do with your attitude, with keeping things positive, with making dating fun.  That’s because you deserve to have fun dating – so does he!  And it’s important to remember that you are more than just your dating life—so if you’re at a point in your life where you’re taking things too seriously, where you just can’t be positive or you feel like you aren’t having fun anymore, don’t force yourself to keep going like it’s a job.  It’s okay to take a break.  Take care of yourself—your health, your emotions, your life—and come back to it when you’re ready to relax and enjoy dating.

Mastering these five factors will make you a prize, a woman any man would be happy to date.  By knowing yourself, understanding what you can and can’t control, and coming to dating with a positive attitude, you really can put the fun back in dating!

Have you been burned by a man who acted like he couldn’t get enough of you—until one day he’d had enough of you?  It happens to the best of us.  So how can you tell who’s serious and who’s not?

Dating a guy for a week isn’t going to tell you how into you he really is. The harsh reality is that some men are just there to play around and nothing more. If that’s not what you’re there for, you need to know—now.  Players don’t deserve our time and attention!

Figuring it out quickly will save you time, energy, money and pain. The faster you know, the less time it takes for you to move on to the next one, right?

So how will you know if you’re just wasting time with someone who doesn’t want to get serious?

What he says is probably the Truth

First of all—and this might sound obvious, but we’ve all made this mistake—if he comes out and says that he doesn’t want to get serious, listen to him.  Lots of women hear “I’m not looking for anything serious” and think, I can change that!  No. You can’t.  He’s doing you a favor and telling you, so take that to heart and move on if you know you do want a serious relationship to evolve.

But what about the ones who won’t tell you?

Keep your eyes open—pay attention to his body language. His body will tell you what you need to know.  Does he get physical too easily?  If he puts his arm around you on the first date as though you know each other well, he’s probably pulling that move with every woman he takes to dinner.  If he’s acting like he wants to put his arm around you but is a little nervous about it— he’s  into you.  Watch his eyes—does he seem like he’s scanning the room or waiting for a text?  He probably is.  If his attention’s on you so fully that he’s bumping into things as you walk down the street—he’s definitely into you.

After a few dates, see how he treats you in public. When you bump into someone he knows, does he put an arm around you, or does he give you some space?  Does he even introduce you and how does he introduce you (as my girlfriend versus as my friend). Men are pretty possessive about who they care for (I think it is hardwired from caveman days).  If he doesn’t want to be seen as “attached,” he’ll back off.  If he’s not afraid to let people know he’s into you, though, that’s a good sign.

Another question to ask yourself: does he put effort into planning your dates?  If his contribution to your dinner plans is “Whatever you say,” he’s not paying attention (and that’s bad).  He doesn’t have to take you on a carriage ride through Central Park like Mr. Big in “Sex and the City.” Expensive restaurants aren’t important either—but if he wants to use your dates to share a piece of himself, he’s into you.

Any guy can drop lots of cash on a tasting menu at Le Bernardin—but the guy who takes you to the deli his grandfather used to own, or wants to drive you two hours away to introduce you to his absolute favorite sandwich, he’s showing you who he is and inviting you to do the same with him.  If he’s genuinely eager to get to know you on a personal level two weeks into dating—if he remembers your birthday and your food allergies, asks about your family, starts reading the books you recommend—he’s into you.

If, on the other hand, you get home from a date and realize he hasn’t asked you a single question, cancel the next date. You feel closer when you share personal and intimate details about each other, right?  If those details don’t interest him, then neither do you—so move out and move on.

Then there’s the “circle of friends” factor.  Have you met his friends yet?

It makes sense to give it a few dates before you start introducing your friends.  But if it’s been more than a month and you have yet to meet anyone, start doubting.  You always want to get your girlfriends’ opinion on your new man, right? Well, guys do that too! He wants his friends to like you, and he needs to see if you fit into his circle. Zero interaction with his buddies is a sure case of “he’s just not that into you.” But if he’s introducing you to friends he thinks you’d like, he’s probably planning on keeping you around for a while.

Men communicate their interest in all sorts of ways, so know the signs and pay attention to your gut.  You might want him to be into you, but if he’s not smart enough to know a goddess when he sees one, don’t waste your time.  Save your energy and attention for someone who can’t get enough of you!

If you instantly knew what your guy wanted, then you’d probably be the most carefree girlfriend in the world!

As much as we want to be that girl who understands what her man needs, there often comes a point where we just can’t seem to get it right.  Usually what we think men want is not what they actually want for themselves and that can drive us nuts as we try to get it right.

For instance, a job you think they would be good at may not necessarily be the job they want to have.  Or, you might think he doesn’t mind your little quirks but he may just be at the brink of his level of tolerance and thinking of going into his cave.

Understanding what he wants shouldn’t have to be a science and should definitely not be considered “stressful work.” So the question still remains. How will you understand what he wants?

First thing you need to do may seem obvious but — JUST ASK HIM!
Most men will say things as they are—no sub-contexts, no secret codes. So if you ask him, “What do you want regarding blah, blah (insert topic here)?” you’ll probably get a pretty precise answer. Once you get that out of the way, your job as a supportive girlfriend is half done.

Now that you know what he wants, do you say “yes” immediately? Well, as long as it’s not hurting you, him, or your relationship, and it’s what you want – then go ahead. But if it’s going to create a conflict between the two of you, what do you do next?

The key is not to over react and make a scene. Men want a woman in their lives who’s willing to compromise calmly and objectively and not be into drama. If he gives you the freedom to choose the movie on Sundays, why not allow him to go out with his friends on Fridays? A man who’s willing to go shoe shopping with you (just because) or tolerates watching a Grey’s Anatomy marathon is a good man and deserves (and has earned) reciprocation.

Remember that he does these things to be able to relate to you and he wants (and maybe expects) you to do the same for him. Don’t allow him to become spiteful of your little habits. I would love to say “compromise” but really I mean create with him or  “negotiate” to a win-win situation (ie. both get something that works for them).

So, let’s look at another scenario.
Say, it’s 3 months into the relationship and you’ve reached a good level of comfort with him. For some women (and MEN!), there’s potentially a tendency to become lazy; and by lazy, I mean kinda boring – not fun. Both men and women ALWAYS want that occasional surprise of discovery and some mystery. It is what keeps the dating relationship alive and juicy.

Now, you might be asking, “how do I keep him pleasantly surprised and intrigued if he already knows so much about me?”

Well, you don’t have to turn yourself to the queen of mysteries… That’s too much work and it’s impossible even in a short relationship. The beauty of starting to become a couple is that you have a chance to set the stage and to ALWAYS want to discover new things together. No bad habits have formed.  So, maybe once a month, plan an activity he’s never tried before. Or better yet, something you both haven’t done. It doesn’t have to be big. As long as it’s something you’d both enjoy, then go for it!! You’ve planned it so you know you have interest and just the fact that you are surprising him with a pre-planned outing keeps his interest and sense of mystery alive.

Now, as much as you might think otherwise, men also really want to be able to understand what you need too. They hate having to read your thoughts because they can’t. Communicate with honesty and be as straightforward as you can. No drama – no histrionics – just good, clean, open communication at an appropriate time and place.

Men hate it when you say “I’m fine” if your body language is saying otherwise. Or telling them to leave you alone but secretly wanting them to chase after you is a plan set to fail. Men become frustrated when they can’t make you happy. Part of their manly sense of fulfillment has to do with satisfying you and making this hard for them will eventually drive them away.

Finally, men want a partner who is as equally engaged in life as he is.

Yes, the self-help books and magazines have told you this hundreds of times and that’s because it’s a fact. Allowing him and your relationship to be the end-all and be-all of your world is too much pressure for a guy, especially, especially in the early stages of dating.

Remember that owning up to your personal responsibilities can be sexy. Seeing you grow as you progress into the relationship also gives him a sense of fulfillment.

Again, start with the obvious and ask him. The road get’s easier from there.