“He’s Just Not That Into You”: Reading the Signs

Have you been burned by a man who acted like he couldn’t get enough of you—until one day he’d had enough of you?  It happens to the best of us.  So how can you tell who’s serious and who’s not?

Dating a guy for a week isn’t going to tell you how into you he really is. The harsh reality is that some men are just there to play around and nothing more. If that’s not what you’re there for, you need to know—now.  Players don’t deserve our time and attention!

Figuring it out quickly will save you time, energy, money and pain. The faster you know, the less time it takes for you to move on to the next one, right?

So how will you know if you’re just wasting time with someone who doesn’t want to get serious?

What he says is probably the Truth

First of all—and this might sound obvious, but we’ve all made this mistake—if he comes out and says that he doesn’t want to get serious, listen to him.  Lots of women hear “I’m not looking for anything serious” and think, I can change that!  No. You can’t.  He’s doing you a favor and telling you, so take that to heart and move on if you know you do want a serious relationship to evolve.

But what about the ones who won’t tell you?

Keep your eyes open—pay attention to his body language. His body will tell you what you need to know.  Does he get physical too easily?  If he puts his arm around you on the first date as though you know each other well, he’s probably pulling that move with every woman he takes to dinner.  If he’s acting like he wants to put his arm around you but is a little nervous about it— he’s  into you.  Watch his eyes—does he seem like he’s scanning the room or waiting for a text?  He probably is.  If his attention’s on you so fully that he’s bumping into things as you walk down the street—he’s definitely into you.

After a few dates, see how he treats you in public. When you bump into someone he knows, does he put an arm around you, or does he give you some space?  Does he even introduce you and how does he introduce you (as my girlfriend versus as my friend). Men are pretty possessive about who they care for (I think it is hardwired from caveman days).  If he doesn’t want to be seen as “attached,” he’ll back off.  If he’s not afraid to let people know he’s into you, though, that’s a good sign.

Another question to ask yourself: does he put effort into planning your dates?  If his contribution to your dinner plans is “Whatever you say,” he’s not paying attention (and that’s bad).  He doesn’t have to take you on a carriage ride through Central Park like Mr. Big in “Sex and the City.” Expensive restaurants aren’t important either—but if he wants to use your dates to share a piece of himself, he’s into you.

Any guy can drop lots of cash on a tasting menu at Le Bernardin—but the guy who takes you to the deli his grandfather used to own, or wants to drive you two hours away to introduce you to his absolute favorite sandwich, he’s showing you who he is and inviting you to do the same with him.  If he’s genuinely eager to get to know you on a personal level two weeks into dating—if he remembers your birthday and your food allergies, asks about your family, starts reading the books you recommend—he’s into you.

If, on the other hand, you get home from a date and realize he hasn’t asked you a single question, cancel the next date. You feel closer when you share personal and intimate details about each other, right?  If those details don’t interest him, then neither do you—so move out and move on.

Then there’s the “circle of friends” factor.  Have you met his friends yet?

It makes sense to give it a few dates before you start introducing your friends.  But if it’s been more than a month and you have yet to meet anyone, start doubting.  You always want to get your girlfriends’ opinion on your new man, right? Well, guys do that too! He wants his friends to like you, and he needs to see if you fit into his circle. Zero interaction with his buddies is a sure case of “he’s just not that into you.” But if he’s introducing you to friends he thinks you’d like, he’s probably planning on keeping you around for a while.

Men communicate their interest in all sorts of ways, so know the signs and pay attention to your gut.  You might want him to be into you, but if he’s not smart enough to know a goddess when he sees one, don’t waste your time.  Save your energy and attention for someone who can’t get enough of you!