Tricks to the Perfect Online Dating Profile

Online dating is a brave new world full of exciting possibilities—but it can also be intimidating at first.  Where do you even start? How do you get attention—and how can you make sure it’s the right kind of attention?

Know this: initially it’s all about the profile.  It’s a lot of pressure, summing up your best self in this short little document and putting it out there to be judged. First impressions are crucial to the results you want to get.  What do you say?  What do you leave out?  And what about that picture?

Maybe you’ve already created an online dating profile, but you’re not getting the results you’re looking for.  You’re not getting many replies, or maybe you’re getting replies from guys who don’t interest you—or even ‘creepsters’.

Okay, first of all: breathe. It can be done.  (I actually love online dating!)

Think of your profile as a dating résumé.  It’s your way of marketing yourself.  But good job seekers know that you have to tailor your resume to the job you really want—and similarly, you’ve also got to tailor your profile to the man you really want.  Picture him in your mind.  Who is he?  What interests him?  What makes him tick?  What makes him your match? This is your audience.  You are creating your profile with him in mind.  You don’t need millions of hits—just the right ones.

The Photo
Before we dive into writing the rest of your profile, let’s talk about that photo.  This is a big source of anxiety for most of us.  We all have things we don’t like about our bodies, and many women hate to be photographed (me included).

If you don’t love any photos of yourself, take charge.  Everyone has a friend who’s good at photography.  Promise her a lovely lunch, put on an outfit that makes you feel fabulous, and take her to the park for a photo shoot.  Better yet, if you have a male best friend, take him also. He will be able to give you pointers from the male point of ‘you’. Smile, be confident, and have fun during the shoot—let your photo tell everyone who sees it that you know you’re gorgeous in your own skin.

Most dating sites allow you to place more than one photo in your profile, so add as many as you can (minimum 5 or 6 my guy friends say).  Showing yourself off in photos not only lets men see what you look like but also gives the impression that you have the confidence and flair to brag about yourself a little bit.  Include several views—a mysterious partial side view is a good first photo. Again it’s that allure of mystery. Also a close-up, some full-body shots, maybe a few photos that show your interests (like a shot of you painting or playing tennis).  Candid shots are great too—laugh it up with your girlfriends and let your true self shine!  Steer clear of posing with men, though—you don’t want anyone to think you’re taken. Include your children if you KNOW you only want to attract family men.

You’ll want to make sure your photos are all up to date.  Don’t post a picture that’s ten years old!  It’s dishonest—and when you meet your date in person, you don’t want his first impression to be one of disappointment.  You’re beautiful just the way you are—own it!

One word of warning: don’t include any highly provocative photos.  Trust me, it makes you look desperate. If he’s the right guy, he’ll see your cleavage soon enough—no need to show it to the whole world.  Let your sexiness come through in your confidence and self-possession. Subtle is more alluring than in-your-face.

The Description
It’s time to write your profile description—this is the hard part.  Who are you, anyway?  What do you want to show?

Show your best self:
Remember that your image is all about self-confidence.  You’d be amazed how many women start their profiles by rambling about how they don’t know what to say or how they’re no good at this.  The only thing this tells your reader is that you don’t like yourself very much.  You want to tell him about your best self!  What are you good at?  What are you proud of?  What do you love?

Stand out from the crowd:
Vague descriptions aren’t useful either.  “I like the beach, hanging out with friends, and good food”—seriously??  So does everyone else in the fifty other profiles he’s just viewed.  What you need to do is stand out from the crowd. Instead of “good food,” mention your favorite restaurants or something you’ve always wanted to learn to cook. Toss out that obscure interest you’ve always thought was a little weird—you never know whether it might strike a chord, and you could find yourself on a date with a great guy who’s also into cave diving or Japanese horror movies or whatever floats your boat. And he’ll think you’re amazing before he even says hello.

Be honest—but not ‘too’ honest:
Lying in your profile won’t get you anywhere. If you claim you love football because that’s what you think men like, you’ll find yourself bored to death in a freezing cold stadium because you weren’t honest about yourself. If you don’t admit you’re a liberal, you’ll be fending off advances from diehard conservatives—or vice versa.  Ask for what you want. Remember, he’s coming to you, so tell him who you really are and let him decide if he wants to pursue you.

That said, there is such a thing as being too honest.  I liken this to ‘tell the truth’ versus ‘tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you god’. This is not the place to go into detail about your antidepressants or the awful way your ex used to treat you.  You’re showcasing your best self here, not your baggage—and hitting him with your problems before you even meet is a great way to make sure he keeps his distance!  And always follow the golden rule of the Internet: don’t post anything you wouldn’t want published in the New York Times.  If you’d be ashamed to have your mother, your coworkers, or your future in-laws read it, don’t put it in your profile.

The Replies:
You’ll probably get plenty of replies to your fantastic new profile. Some will be wonderful.  Others will be nice but not what you’re looking for.  Many will make it clear that they didn’t bother to read your profile. A few will be “trolls” who are looking for trouble.  Delete these.  The nice-but-no guys merit a polite “thanks but no thanks.”  Don’t waste your time on anyone who doesn’t interest you—save your time and reply to the fascinating men who are responding to the true you! I personally don’t do long distance but I know lots that do and have met great men.

Online dating is a big topic, so be sure to check out the other articles in this series for more about online dating safety, meeting in person, and more.