Healing Your Battle Wounds

Have you spent a good number of years with him?
Have you built a life together and made plans into the future?.
He’s been the first person you see in the morning and the last person you say goodnight to. Your friends love him and you’ve become part of his family. It seemed like he could really be the one, then one day, he says “it’s not working anymore”.

Did I hit a nerve? Has this happened recently? Is it happening to you now?

So you’ve been through a rough break-up and starting anew feels futile:

Picking up the pieces after breaking up with someone who has really integrated himself into your life is tough. Surviving it takes a lot of courage and deep inner strength—even from the most bad-ass of us women.

The old adage is that ‘time heals all’. But I say the normal process is often:
(1) You cry it out,
(2) You ask them back,
(3) You get angry with him and yourself,
(4) Your enter a destructive phase
(5) You accept the break-up and move on.

And then only then, does time eventually start to heal all and you find yourself in a better place.

So how do you get there?

Do you remember a time when you asked your “back-up guy” out right after you’ve just broken up with a boyfriend? Your inner voice says it sucks to be alone and there’s no use waiting by the phone. So you go ahead and call the guy who’s always wanted to ask you out. Why not? It’s a boost of ego and you won’t feel so alone right?

Wrong!

Jumping on to the next most available guy is not the answer to recovery. Ever heard of the phrase “beauty in the breakdown?” Well, this is exactly the time to witness beauty in something painful!
Easier said than done.

You’ll start questioning yourself and start thinking, “Maybe I didn’t do enough to make him stay;” or “I always pick the wrong men” or “there’s something wrong with me.”
For your sake, STOP.

For whatever reason he broke up with you, be it a third party or he just fell out of love; you have to quit beating yourself up to the point of losing your self worth. Lost of self-worth could be the most probable reason why you’re so quick to call the guy who has the least tendency to reject you.

It’s not being a masochist but you NEED to go through the pain alone and hit bottom so that there’s no way to go but up. There’s a difference between facing the pain and just avoiding it. Telling yourself that you’re totally fine just 3 days into the break-up of a long relationship is avoidance, not real recovery. Take time to mourn and make peace with your grief. Wallow in it for a couple of days then give yourself a realistic timetable and follow it.

The beauty in this breakdown is that you get a chance to learn from your experience and become better for it.

Accept your losses and don’t regret the fact that you’ve gone through something that seemed like a war. You go to battle because you know you’re gaining something if you win. So, win it! What you get is a wiser and more interesting version of you. Now that’s fierce! Now that is hot! Men are attracted to women who have their sh*t together.

One more important thing you should do to become all shiny and sassy again—DON’T RECONNECT WITH THE EX.
I’m not saying “never,” but the best you can do for yourself is to avoid the source of pain. He will be calling, texting, or emailing you to see if you’re okay but that’s just his way of easing his guilt. Responding back with hopes of getting back with him is prolonging the agony.

He is not contacting you to get back together and you need to keep repeating that in your head. Unless he has clearly declared he made a mistake and is willing to work things out again and made moves to fix what was in theory broken; he’s not really coming back.

Resist the urge. He broke up with you for a reason and an assessment from both sides is needed to fully understand why it didn’t work. Getting back together without fully grasping why things went wrong is just making a mess within the mess. Que horror!

Take control – set your boundaries. The sooner you burn that bridge, the faster you’ll feel better.